Gossip Triumphs Over Illiteracy Thanks to The Emoji Tatler

Language has been called "mankind's greatest invention," tied for first place alongside Chicken Fries, which are back. The bronze, then, must surely go to writing: a system by which the fleeting echoes of speech are captured and made visible, so that the ephemeral may be recreated with absolute accuracy by strangers… » 9/16/14 11:32am Yesterday 11:32am

Should You Be a Teen? Find Out With The Emoji Tatler

Thousands of years ago, the ancient Egyptians used a standardized series of hieroglyphic symbols called mdw'w-nṯr ("god's words") to disseminate celebrity gossip. Today, we do the same thing, but inside of a computer somehow. Nothing ever changes, except computers, which are constantly updating their Adobe Flash… » 9/11/14 9:52am 9/11/14 9:52am

Taylor Swift's Home Sounds Like It Was Decorated by a Serial Killer

One of the first things everyone should know about Keystone tapdance sensation Taylor Swift is that she is absolutely not on trial here and, to date, no one has unearthed any admissible evidence that she has ever murdered one to four people in her private home, or that she one day plans to do so. » 9/08/14 5:20pm 9/08/14 5:20pm

Kate Middleton Is Pregnant With a New Royal Baby

Kensington Palace confirmed Monday that the Duchess of Cambridge is expecting her second child, which the media are tentatively calling New Royal Baby. According to the official statement, the Duchess is once again experiencing Hyperemesis Gravidarum, the severe morning sickness that plagued her first pregnancy, and… » 9/08/14 7:18am 9/08/14 7:18am

Scarlett Johansson Gives Birth to Healthy Baby Grandmother

One more frigging person in New York City, now that actress Scarlett Johansson has just given birth to her first child—a baby girl—in the already densely populated metropolis. The baby's name is Rose Dorothy, and she is 85 years old, and she loves her grandchildren very much, and she really shouldn't be driving… » 9/05/14 9:39am 9/05/14 9:39am

Angelina Jolie's Wedding Outfit Had Her Kids' Scribbles All Over It

Used to be Angelina Jolie showed everyone she was a wild angel by allowing the actor Billy Bob Thornton to perform acts of coitus with her and having a godawful dragon tattoo. Now that she's more mature, she has to dream up new ways to subvert our perceptions—of what a bride should wear on her wedding day; of what is… » 9/02/14 10:15am 9/02/14 10:15am

God Almighty Sent Blake Lively a Bee Attack for Her Birthday

With our imperfect knowledge and limited faculties constrained, as they are, by the hedges of time and space, we cannot "know," in the narrow, popularly-used sense of the word, which of the Ten Commandments Blake Lively violated that prompted God to turn her birthday into a bee hell, but it was probably 9. » 8/28/14 5:05pm 8/28/14 5:05pm

100 Percent of Everything We Know About the Jolie-Pitt Wedding AAAAAH!

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got late-in-life married last Saturday and no judgement!!! Only happy and excited for them to finally have the wonderful lives they deserve. Here is everything we know about the event of an aeon (thanks to a Jolie-Pitt spokesperson and our friends at Newsday). » 8/28/14 11:08am 8/28/14 11:08am

Did Katie Couric Accuse Diane Sawyer of Handing Out BJs Like Candy?

Sheila Weller's dishy new tell-all book The News Sorority: Diane Sawyer, Katie Couric, Christiane Amanpour—and the (Ongoing, Imperfect, Complicated) Triumph of Women in TV News won't hit shelves for a full month, but its best anecdote just exploded onto the web like 5-7 ml of semen into the mouth of Diane Sawyer,… » 8/27/14 3:00pm 8/27/14 3:00pm

Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj Drop New Music Video About Banging

The plot of the video is a little like Ariana Grande giving a reading from Romans: difficult to comprehend, but passionately expressed nonetheless. Broadly: Three women who either are best friends (from college?) or have never met before, are alive on a sweltering summer day and then all of a sudden it's nighttime and… » 8/26/14 1:00pm 8/26/14 1:00pm

The Best Restaurant in New York Is: The Williamsburg Urban Outfitters

Rich: The Gorbals is located in a place on North Six called "Space Ninety 8." Outside, Space Ninety 8 has a list of all of its constituent businesses: Urban Outfitters, the Gorbals, Roof Deck, Gallery 98, and the Market Space. But do not be fooled: This is a giant, three floor Urban Outfitters with, like, some… » 8/08/14 9:00am 8/08/14 9:00am

Taylor Swift Handed a Girl $90 Out of Her Purse to Go to Chipotle

The slightly-dotty-but-kind grandmother who inhabits the lithe, nubile body of 24-year-old Taylor Swift is up to her old tricks again. What's she gone and done now? Pulled $90 out of her pocketbook and given it to a stranger who didn't even ask for it, is all. Thanks for the money, Nana. Got any peppermints? » 8/04/14 6:13pm 8/04/14 6:13pm